Food for thought.

For the fact that I am pretty sure I am the only one that looks at this page, I will once again write a piece that is more for my benefit then anyone else.

I was lying on the carpet of my father house. My eyes where closed and I was tired but sleep came slowly. There on the floor I thought to myself, a favored activity of my brain when I am over tired. The theme of the night was 'love'.

Both my mother and father came from families that where not structured and both seem to have cold hearts. I have no doubt that they cared for each other, when they where married and even now 16 years after their divorce. I was still young when they divorced and it was hard on me, but I had a good sized family. One sister took care of me the most, she wondered about my schooling and worked to help me in the hard areas. If I had to guess, I would say that she was the only person that I loved unconditionally. She passed away when I was 14 and I it still is rough sometimes.

I guess my real quest here, is knowing what love is.

As far as I can tell:
It is not something that you can will to happen.
People can be married for years and never have it.
It is not spontaneous.
There are no rules to it.

I fear that, because it seems to not exist in my mother and father that it truly is not there, and that means that I have not the understanding to experience it myself.

Is this a common fear?

Happy New Year!!

-NK