The Non-Iniation Clause

I for many reasons stopped calling people. Not because I did not want to talk with them, I was unsure of how much they wanted to talk to me. And the phone has never had so little use. It kinda sucks, but I can not really move forward in life if I am always trying to root myself where I am.

I think this idea got rooted earlier today when a classmate gave a speech on why he want back to college. 'Have you ever really looked at your job, and wondered if it was what you wanted to do for the next five, ten, fifteen, or twenty years.'

My father is 67 years old and he spent 90%+ of his life in this very town. My sister looks after him, but she is wearing thin. My other sister thinks that he and his wife should be together. That was a horrible discussion to have at the beginning of the day. I saw with my own eyes the effect that my step mother had on my father. And it is hard to tell what my father wants in all this, he tells everyone what they want to hear.

The point is in 47 years, I don't want to be in a situation anywhere near what my father is in. He always took the cards that he was handed and he always played it safe. It is not the person that I want to be. I don't think I ever really learned what a friend was supposed to be. It kinda seems like I am there for them or I am out of place.

I am not sad about my standing, and I am not happy either. I just do not know what the steps are, I mean, where am I supposed to go now. I have to stay here for at max a few years, my father at his age of 67 is worse and worse everyday. I can not just up and leave like this, as I said before he is a dependent person. And for some reason I feel responsible for his current state, but I do not think that he would be alive right now if I had not stepped in and showed him the situation was not right.

Life throws a lot at you all the time. And you just have to live with it.

This semester and one more year and I have an Associate's Degree. At which point I plan to take an semester and drive. With any luck I will find myself before then or while I am on the open road. Either way something will happen.

Happy New Year!

-NK