Lunera

(Poetry, always be ready to open new doors.)

Lunera was radiant and life flowed from her
each day was a new adventure to embark
drops of rain would begin to flow

Lunera was as soft and warm as sun on skin
there was always light dancing in her eyes
the smell of crushed rose pedals brought her to mind

Lunera was rich with color and full of wisdom
her smile could lift an army of hearts
knowing you could see her made the days go by

Lunera was brisk and life was lost
a river of tears began to flow
embodied only in thought and will



Happy New Year!!

-NK

Just because it is something that you want, does not mean its good for you.

I am a fan of searching for and passing on what I call pearls of wisdom.

I was taking to my sister about our ailing father, and how our sister was treating him. He is 68 years old, retired and all he wants is to be waited on hand and foot. he just wants to stay home and watch movies all day.

The first pearl of this story comes from my interpretation of 'Man's Search for Meaning' by Viktor E. Frankl. In this book he states that people thrive when they are in pursuit of a purpose, not when they are in pursuit of pleasure. There are two points in the book where it discusses retired workers that have nothing left to wake up for. he says you can watch them degenerate both physically and mentally, both times I was near to tears. I have seen it with my own eyes and know it to be true.

The second pearl, that I wish to share, is one that I like to stake some of my own claim in. As I looked back at moments in my life where I got what I wanted, I am normally met with moments that I regret living through. (Here I would like to introject to give my meaning of regret in this instance. I do not feel bad about my actions, I feel bad because I would not see the repercussions of the actions. People make mistakes, the only time the remain mistakes is when they go with out learning from them.) The fact of the matter is that, getting what you want has no barring on how good it is for you. If you give a child every toy that they want, it is likely that you will not have a house to shelter them, food to feed them, or clothes to cover them.

Happy New Year!!

-NK

Food for thought.

For the fact that I am pretty sure I am the only one that looks at this page, I will once again write a piece that is more for my benefit then anyone else.

I was lying on the carpet of my father house. My eyes where closed and I was tired but sleep came slowly. There on the floor I thought to myself, a favored activity of my brain when I am over tired. The theme of the night was 'love'.

Both my mother and father came from families that where not structured and both seem to have cold hearts. I have no doubt that they cared for each other, when they where married and even now 16 years after their divorce. I was still young when they divorced and it was hard on me, but I had a good sized family. One sister took care of me the most, she wondered about my schooling and worked to help me in the hard areas. If I had to guess, I would say that she was the only person that I loved unconditionally. She passed away when I was 14 and I it still is rough sometimes.

I guess my real quest here, is knowing what love is.

As far as I can tell:
It is not something that you can will to happen.
People can be married for years and never have it.
It is not spontaneous.
There are no rules to it.

I fear that, because it seems to not exist in my mother and father that it truly is not there, and that means that I have not the understanding to experience it myself.

Is this a common fear?

Happy New Year!!

-NK

I Can Only Imagine.

As a common practice, I try to aid people in doing the best that they can. This is something that I think everyone should do, but I know that because of most of the risks many people would give up. I am not sure what it is about me, but people will end up telling me about the thoughts and regrets. It the person asks me for help, I tell them how I see it and the steps that I would take to solving the problems they stated.

Telling people the how you see them, normally ends up with the person terminating the friendship. Maybe I am just giving the advice wrong, but every time it happens. I have seen results in either direction, those that followed my advice had a recession and then their life just picked up. A few that discredited my opinion without putting much thought into, are living lives that hurt their loved ones. I am not saying that my advice is right or correct, but thinking about what I am saying and applying it to yourself yields positive results.

I wish that there was a way to tell people how to work on their problems without losing them as a friend. Because currently I do what I can the help people and have to put faith in them working on themselves, and it hurts to lose a friend like that.

Thats where this blog headline comes from, I am 'throwing change to see what happens.' and as far as I can tell, no one reads this blog. I just have to have faith that one day after I have forgotten that I made this blog, someone will stumble on it and get something out of it.

Happy New Year!!

-NK

If they handed you the world, would you love it?

This is a more non-pointed rant, then a informative piece that I believe all should be able to see.

I think fast, always have. So scenarios of my actions can be build and the following possible reactions.

Last night I was caught on a kid that sits in the back of my History class. Devote Christian and a Right Wing Republican. During one of the classes we were discussing that Democrats and Republicans disagree on certain topics. One student said that abortion was an example, and the Christian Republican that he was grumbled loudly about how horrid it was to kill children.

I few mind boggling scenarios later and I was thinking about how I would discuss to him the loss of my sister. She was a 29 Devote Catholic, she taught Sunday school growing up, she always pushed people to their potentials. She died of a blood clot, and she still keeps me going and fighting to be the best that I can. I am pretty certain that she had a relation outside of wedlock, but I do not think that, that one event dictates that she will spend the rest of eternity in Hell.

Then I thought a abstract, at best, thought: If the world were to live 100% to the student in the back of the classes ideals. With everyone agreeing, I see that the world is more likely to suffer wars. One factor is that, if the world were to be ruled by his ideals, then I would have no rules or guidelines on how I would deal with the death of my sister, that is a rare case. Even if he was a man of 110 years of age, he can not practically be able to write a standard for which all could live their lives.

Another factor, say that he thought people had the right to own property. The right to own property instills greed into even the most honest of souls. People would fight for land, whenever two civilizations reached a point where they needed more resources then they had.

I see a person that is locked into one way of thinking, as someone that is lagging culturally. I want to be able to look at the kid in the back of the class and just yell at him, "I hope for your sake that you open your mind before someone with ill intent gets to you."

What I would ask of you as a human: When someone does something to you that hurts you in someway or angers you, I want you too look at actions that you have done and find when you have done something similar to someone else. I you find that you hurt more people then you would like, it may be time to start rethinking how you go about things.

Happy New Year!!

National Favorite Color Day.

I was in the grocery store and a stranger came up to my friends and I. He knew one of my friends but I have never seen him before. He asked all of us our favorite colors, then he reached into a shopping bag and pulled out a colored straw to match our favored colors, then as he passed them to us he said 'Happy National Favorite Color Day.'

It being Valentines day, we questioned him. As it turns out the man was starting his own holiday. He is a fan of the idea behind holidays, and when friends had exclaimed their hatred for valentines day, being a day that 'forces' people to be romantic, or leaving out the people that are fine being single, he went out trying to make his own.

'Everyone has a favorite color, or many favorite colors... so, National Favorite Color Day is more inclusive then Valentines Day.' I thought that he had a valid point, Valentines Day has a tendency to make those that are not in a relationship upset. This way people that did or did not like Valentines Day would have an alternative choice.

As for the gift giving portion of it all, I thought the straw was a pretty fun idea. It costs only a few cents and as he said 'Its more the symbol of the gift, being from one friend to another, then the cost of it.'

'If you don't know someones favorite color just ask!'

So in my book February 14^th is also National Favorite Color Day.

Happy New Year!

-NFC

The Week Ahead.

For the next week I am going to be in house care for my father. Physically he is doing fine, he can walk on his own, I think he could do almost anything any 67 year old man could do. He wakes up eats breakfast, then takes a nap, then sits in a chair all day watching movie after movie, then he goes to bed. If I allowed myself to fall into that cycle my physical health would decay until I could no longer do anything else.

Honestly I am not sure how I feel toward my father, we have never really gotten close. Manly I fulfill what could only be described as a trade off for bringing me into this world and the great ability to play a full game of monopoly. I can not think of one moment that we have had a conversation where he passed on a pearl of wisdom to me. Most of the things that I have learned from him where lessons about the effects of certain mentalities.

When I was born he was already passed the age of being an active father, he always worked and never took time off for himself or us, when I was five he and my mother got divorced, during the toughest moments of our family he became more distant when the rest of the family was becoming closer.

Anyone that has lived in this town for 30 years knows who he is, and they say that he was one of the nicest people they knew, the man that always had a moment to talk.

Even though we have not formed a solid bond, and he has never been there for me; he is still an important part of my life. I know that I have to cherish the moments that I have.

This next week will be hard, watching my father die because he gave up on himself years ago and it is taking its toll on his body.

Happy New Year.

-NK

The Decisions, no more casting of the die for life events.

I plan to make as much out of work and school as I can. I will simply be happy making it through on event at a time. For work, I will go and do my job and then leave when my shift is over. For school, I will work to the point where I can get the assignments done in a timely fashion so that I do not lose too much sleep do to procrastination, and I will do my best to pay attention.

As for Friends and the like I will play it by ear. Mostly I have to get used to having fun on my own and then be able to interact when friends have some time.

For going out on dates, it seems that any thought on the matter leads further from actually going on a date. So, I am going to just float along and see what happens.

I have become set on taking a long road trip Summer 2010. I figure that if the Mayans got there calculations right, the Summer of 2010 will be a fine one to take sometime to live a little. If they where wrong, I still will have had one hell of a Summer. I am planning to dump as much as I can into a savings account so that I can go on a care free multi-month car trip.

Happy New Year!!

-NK

The Non-Iniation Clause

I for many reasons stopped calling people. Not because I did not want to talk with them, I was unsure of how much they wanted to talk to me. And the phone has never had so little use. It kinda sucks, but I can not really move forward in life if I am always trying to root myself where I am.

I think this idea got rooted earlier today when a classmate gave a speech on why he want back to college. 'Have you ever really looked at your job, and wondered if it was what you wanted to do for the next five, ten, fifteen, or twenty years.'

My father is 67 years old and he spent 90%+ of his life in this very town. My sister looks after him, but she is wearing thin. My other sister thinks that he and his wife should be together. That was a horrible discussion to have at the beginning of the day. I saw with my own eyes the effect that my step mother had on my father. And it is hard to tell what my father wants in all this, he tells everyone what they want to hear.

The point is in 47 years, I don't want to be in a situation anywhere near what my father is in. He always took the cards that he was handed and he always played it safe. It is not the person that I want to be. I don't think I ever really learned what a friend was supposed to be. It kinda seems like I am there for them or I am out of place.

I am not sad about my standing, and I am not happy either. I just do not know what the steps are, I mean, where am I supposed to go now. I have to stay here for at max a few years, my father at his age of 67 is worse and worse everyday. I can not just up and leave like this, as I said before he is a dependent person. And for some reason I feel responsible for his current state, but I do not think that he would be alive right now if I had not stepped in and showed him the situation was not right.

Life throws a lot at you all the time. And you just have to live with it.

This semester and one more year and I have an Associate's Degree. At which point I plan to take an semester and drive. With any luck I will find myself before then or while I am on the open road. Either way something will happen.

Happy New Year!

-NK

Am I, Who I am?

I guess this is an odd question to ask, manly because I am almost certain I am the only reader here. But it is a question that I want an honest answer to, and one that I think people should ask more often.

According to popular opinion I have many faults as a functioning individual in society and am therefor unattractive.

-I still live at home.
-I do not hold a driver's license.
-I only work part time.

To justify those, would only state that I also thought there was something wrong with them. People are from many different walks of life and they end up where then end up. Who am I or anyone else to judge them based on this?

There are a few things that I believe that I have some talent in.

-I am a writer.
-I am a painter.
-I can discuss things with people
-I can understand other people points of view

There are a few things that I think I need to work on, but never seem to motivate myself to do.

-I want to be able to read faster but still be able to retain the same amount of information.
-I want to be able to exercise on my own without over doing it.
-Handle myself better in larger social situations


There are things that I want to do

-I want live out of the back of a station wagon, on an extensive road trip that takes me all over the United States
-I want to have a positive impact on people that I have never and most likely will never meet.
-I want to be a dedicated husband and father.
-I want to write books in many genres, many even in write a book that opens a new genre.

There are reasons I wake up in the morning

-It would be disrespectful to all the people that put faith in me not to
-For a life that makes me smile when I open my eyes
-Because

I guess all I can really say for sure is, I am a human being and I am in a constant process to find who I am and what I want to do with that information.

Happy New Year

-NK

A shame, Ashamed.

I have meant many different people that have felt ashamed that they are not as skilled in one area or another. There are a lot of factors that play a role in people learning on thing or another.

Say you were learning how to read. If the class had four people in it the teacher could spend more time working on your reading abilities than a teacher that has to teach twenty students. If you have a stay at home parent that takes an interest in your studies versus a parent that is interested in your studies but works 40 hours a week. Your teachers and parents abilities themselves play a large role in how much they can help you to learn.

When I help other learn there has so far been a pattern in those that ask for my help. 1) they are not as good as they want to be. 2) they are embarrassed or ashamed that they are not as good as someone else. 3) They had a hard time in the beginning and someone made fun of them.

I have myself found the learning something that you do not already know is hard. Somethings are harder then others for different people. If you have a hard time reading you should not let someones hard time with being sociable affect your trying to learn to read.

Honestly, I do not judge someone based on what they can or cannot do. But I do judge people on the actions that they take to fix things in their lives.

I think that shame can be a great motivator to get people to work to change, but after the initial push to working towards goals, I find that shame only slows you down. If you tiptoe around your problems you are likely to never find a person that can help you solve them.

There are many people that struggled with the same thing that you struggled with. Some have been successful and come out on the other side, some are still in the struggle, some have failed and decided that they live fine without it, some have failed and think that they will never accomplish their goal, some may struggle with the same thing a different way and together you can achieve the goal together.

If you have been in a classroom setting you may have heard the phrase "If you have a question you should ask, because someone else may have the same question but be to afraid to ask it." I think it is an odd way to address the situation but I think that it is something that should be addressed.

It is not your fault that you did not learn something, but you are responsible if you want to learn and choose not to.

Happy New Year!!

-NK

What's Next.

Truthfully, the things that used worry about all the time, hold no bearing. So now I am forced to try to move toward hopes and dreams. At least I think it is now time. Which is why I have no idea what the next step is. I have the tendency to think so far ahead that the next step is completely in the dark.

So I guess logically I should start to look at the things that are around me at this moment and try to use what is around me to move forward. I should cut back on drinking, it has not ever affected my income, but it has limited the amount of time that I can do things. I spend the few hours intoxicated and then the many recovering. It is a lot of mental use wasted just to avoid moving forward.

Happy New Year!

-NK

The fallout of Procrastination and a strong will.

I got all of one hour of sleep last night. I had wanted to go to the movies for over a week and I got the chance so I took it. I saw Will Smith's new movie, Seven Pounds, it is a very well written and I am glad that I saw it. I am not happy however that the reading was about forty more pages then I thought it was going to be and I ended up reading late into the morning. I had to quite 20 pages early to take an hour nap.

I got the reading done but now I am so hungry and tired and I have another six hours of the day, in which I have to do the homework for a class in three hours and then attend said class.

So lesson learned, I plan to work on it not happening again.

Happy New Year!

-NK

Toxic Lust, when the Id convinces the SuperEgo

I am not sure if it is a biological trait or if it is something that was picked up somewhere, but I do know that I am not the only person that falls in to this cycle. My best guess is that it is an outlier of the natural response to attraction.

Normally the first thing that causes this is a moment where I share eye contact with a women and I say something that makes her laugh, and the sound of her laugh makes me smile. For me that is a drug I am addicted to, the feeling of adrenaline and endorphins that runs through my body at that one moment.

This is the moment where Toxic Lust sinks in. My Id (the doer, taker and mover) whispers in the ear of my Superego (the thinker, rationalizer) and the superego awash with this wondrous mix of chemicals goes 'You my compulsive little friend are a genius!'

Something I have found since I hit legal drinking age, it is much easier to shake 'Toxic Lust' if the development was when I was intoxicated. My Superego goes 'Well of course he one, I was drunk.'

After a bit I am able to rationalize the feeling and I muster up the courage and I ask the female out. This has happened about twenty times, and I have been on ONE date. I learned loads about myself and dating in general on that one date, but if I was to find someone that I could not wash my toxic lust for, no matter how hard I tried, I would not have the proper basic skills to talk to her over a cup of coffee, or a dinner.


My resolution for this post was simple not to stop at any point and delete all the words.

Happy New Year!

-NK

Procrastination My Nemesis

This moment, like the entire last forty-two hours, is chalk full of procrastination. Sure work, sleep, family time and the like are all things that should be done, but watching about five hours of tv, just to fall into a little coma... that is the bane of a man that wants to pull a great semester.

I can not remember a time that I did not leave everything to the last second. Back in the third grade when I used to leave my spelling list in my open pencil container where I could see it, so I would not have to study. Other then that I have not needed to cheat because I always got at least a C and I never really cared for grades anyway. They never held any meaning to me, they still in most ways hold not value to me. But I do strive to have the personal discipline to be able to study the amount that is necessary to get the As.

Yes a 4.0 would give me a good feeling, because there is no way my mother can go, 'Oh, but you can do so much better.'

Lesson #1 Parents or so to be's: Love your child for what ever.

I know that those eight words should not cause me to prove them wrong, but it has many times. I think that my mother is highly unaware that I do not hold her in any regard as responsible for my educational ability. My sister that died seven years ago, has all the claim to that, I know my mother did her best, but I do not give her merit in this. So, when she says those horrid eight words, I stop trying in every aspect. Whatever the average is before that is what I strive for.


I mean really, read to your kids. Anything: the newpaper, a textbook, a novel, a cereal box, a car owners manual. Reading is not all about the pictures. Reading is not all about the words. Reading is healthy quality time.

DO everything that you want them to do. If you want them to speak with a solid tone, speak with a solid tone. If you want them to do their homework, take a night course and do your homework. If you want them to eat their vegies, put more greens on your plate. If you want them to show up on time with everything done; go to bed early, wake up in time to get things done, and go to work without a morning tornado of 'OH, SHIT. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY SHOES.'

I am going to go read my book for History Class.

Happy New Year.

-NK

Because it would be odd to do so...

Well, it has finally reached the point where people that meet on a day to day basis or people that have never met before, would not end there conversations with Happy New Year.

Because the overall point of the blog is to establish the thinking pattern that everyday of the year is a new year, meaning that you can choose to change any one facet at anytime, for any reason.

I believe that by nature humans have the ability to fall into a pattern, good or bad. They also have the ability to stay in the pattern until they are comfortable with it. And when it is time to leave they become anxious and have a hard time breaking the habits.

Some of the blogs are very pointed, some have little to do with change on your part but they are things that I am or have started to change, and some blogs are for me to simply rant. I find Ranting as a useful tool to finding out if there is something that I want to change, or if I am happy with the way that things are.

So,

Happy Year!

-NK

I am Content?

I sent a run of the mill instant message to my friend, asking him how he was doing. His response was 'good, you?' in return all I could say was 'idk' it was odd to me that I did not know how I was. I was not upset, I was not tired of something, I was not angry, I was not happy, I was not thrilled (all of which would have had the response, good or great.) I was in a state that seemed to have no real emotional attachment, it then came to me that I was in want of nothing.

I was content, I had spent the morning writing, I was watching some tv on the internet and I had just eaten a fantastic sandwich. Nothing was required to make the day any better. I am confused at my state, because when you want for nothing, you do not fight for anything. It has been a running theme for me, that you fight for things to progress as a person. So, normally I would say that the fact that I am not fighting for anything means that I am not progressing. But now not really wanting anything seems to be a great why to coast by and just look at things around me.

A friend of mine has fallen into a cycle that seems to tear her apart. She falls for a male, head over heals, they get along well. (what man does not want a female that is all his, in the beginning?) and then the person either decides the attention is too much and they move on, or she finds out something that got glossed over in the beginning and she feels betrayed. Each and every time blame falls on the male, 'he is a bastard' or 'he is a liar' never does the she look at the quick dive into relationship as her fault. Honestly I see this in two ways, be fine that the quickly started relationship ended quickly, or stop rushing into relationships.

I have seen many groups of people. There are people that like to fuck and move on. People that like to have a fuck buddy. People that like relationships short term. People that are purely monogamous and like long term relationships and marriages. I find nothing fundamentally wrong with any of those groups, but I think that people should be out right with their intentions. I think that they should talk to each other. Say two people have been dating for years, and one decides to move on; but for fear of hurting the other person they fuck on the side. If the other person has an STI then instead of just hurting the person for a while you run the risk of ruining their future.

-NK

Lack of Motivation?

I have been at the student center since 10, it is now three thirty and I think that I have gotten further from actually starting on school work. I have been sketching for the last hour or so for a painting that I know that I want to get done at some point. But for the third evening in a row I have put aside trying to do the extra reading that I wanted to do for my history class. How can I be drawn out already? I mean school just started this semester and I already feel as though i have been here for ages.

Other then the sketching and the finalization of plans for the writers' collective meeting next Monday from 4 to 6, I have not actually done anything. For school or myself. I still think that I am struggling with the tension that seems to be placed above all these activities. I know that I can and I know that I will, but getting started seems to be the hardest part of all.

My creativity seems to be tapped out, like my well has dried only during the moments that I wish to drink form it. A solid sleep schedule, that seems to be something that I am lacking and when I get too much or not enough sleep I tend to have a harder time focusing on what I want to do. I made the mistake of sleeping for three hours in the middle of the day yesterday, after which I just laid around for the rest of the evening until I went to bed at two in the morning. I think that is why I am so tired now, my body wants to take a three hour nap.

I even seem to have a lack in making a successful point in this post.

-NK

Wall of the Past

The painting in the header and nineteen others painting crafted over the years went up on the wall. Part of me is proud and in love with the raw emotion displayed on the wall. The other part of me walks through each one of the emotions as I look at the paintings. Let's see there are six crushes/ loves, a group that displays four major events in my life, some hopes and dreams, some friends lost to time and distance, some goofy times, some sad times, some stories of people that would be strangers now...

There, in those paintings, lives small parts of me, that I will never claim to understand. Pieces that were unique, and burned quickly and brightly. Each one documenting an idea, dream, or moment that had captivated my mind until I had to express it on the canvas.

Between painting, my classes and my writing, I think that I will be able to slow myself down long enough to find out who I am. Meaning on the since of who I am, when it does not come to painting, writing and college; I plan to learn those things in a much different fashion, just dive head long into it. Writing, Painting, and Learning are things that I do as me, not who I am.

As of right now, three quarters of the biggest wall in my lounge are covered by paintings. Which is roughly one third of all the wall space of the room. I figure that if I work at it I will be able to fill the rest of the walls by the end of the semester.

Currently, I have the dreams of a fantastic plan that seems to be coming together. My cousin and one of good friends are going to start to work together. We are forming what I hope to always hold as the Writers' Collective. The basic premise is for the three of us to get together for an hour or two every week to share and discuss our work, to look into our favorite authors and to discuss there literary styles, to make goals for ourselves, to push each other to publish, to discuss acceptance and rejection of works, make sure that if the publishers want something changed we only change it if we in fact do not mind and think the piece would be better without.

As for my learning goes, I want to prove something to myself. I understand the poisonous nature of setting for high goals, but I think that I can make straight A's this semester, even though I have only been to one of the courses so far. It is not arrogance that I stake my claim, it is the fact that I know the grades that I got last semester and I know how much I actually applied myself to the information. So really the plan is to force myself to follow the strict rubrics of college.

So if I were to ask you anything in the claim to search for change, it would be this. I want you to open up the photo albums, dust off the old art projects, go back to the journal that you used to pour your soul in in grade school, call up a friend that you wish you had never lost. I want you to walk head long into the past and try to figure the future.

Practical Application of History: Analyzing patterns and learning more about the macro level of human interaction, in order to make sure to not to repeat the same patterns that lead to mistakes before. The future can be shaped by the past because you can use what you know to progress.

Who was it who said 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results?'

-NK

Why should I ask you for change and never give any in return.

Because I have asked every viewer of this blog to change their life, and shape themselves to be better, I have decided to try the advice of a good friend of mine. I am going to stop searching for someone to date, it will be rough. Sometimes you just have to step back and take a breath.

To be truthful, must of my quest to find a women to date, was just to prove that I could still talk to them. I failed on a level that should never be obtained by a human. For this I am really sad, but it seems that at the current moment it is not meant to be.

My efforts to this cause have made a distraction in my life goal to write a novel. I have about five thought out to the finish, I just have to sit down and write them.

Goals for 2009:
1) Get the Writer's Collective off the ground. If I can make a smooth working group, I have actually found many people that would like to at least cycle through the group.
2) Write out all the ideas that have been piling up.
3) Ace all four of my classes.
4) Become content with the shitty place that is work.

I am going to come out and say it, I am scared shitless. To actually work on what I have dreamed about doing since I was in the seventh grade, is fucking frightening. To any non-writer, you might be thinking, what could be scary about writing this down. Well I will tell you why I am afraid.

If I write my heart out and I place all that I have into this pieces and they are bad, ( I was going to say something else but had an epiphany) I will write another one. I have never let the opinion of someone stop me from doing what I wanted before, why should I start with the one thing that I want to do most? The answer is I should not allow the fear of rejection by others stop me in anyway.

A post for posting Sake.

Hopefully, any readers at this point have started to have those defining moments that help toward self development. The only thing that has happened to me the last few days was the realization that I needed to stop drinking so I could dry out before my classes started again. For me it is easy to fall into the pattern of drinking a few more then is probably necessary, my work sucks and kinda requires that I am hung over just so I do not get angry when I am told to stop talking. When I at my peak I try to point out things in people that they seem to want to fix.

This is something worth discussing, people saying that they want to fix something but never really looking at when they do it. For an example, someone saying that they would like to be more positive. Negative statements have been ingrained into them, so they do not even notice when they are being negative. Another people saying that they wish they could be more creative, I have found that creativity is not just an ability, it is a skill that can be honed from any ability level, like most every human ability. People that want to be creative have to start to think outside the box.

Changing your status quo is like getting a tattoo, it is painful and it will last with you forever, so make sure you want it. If you want to change your life you will have to fight yourself for it. People are naturally habit driven. For the first 18 years of your life you are a compilation of the things around you, you are part your parents, you are part your friends, part your teachers, part the TV shows that you watch. After you turn 18 you get to choose if you want those influences in your life. I person that got Ds and Fs throughout their schooling and were always told they would fail at life, when they turn 18 they go out and learn a trade, some fight to prove those teachers wrong, and the ones that fight hard enough do.


You are a human being, you draw for people and things around you to build a sense of self, you have the power and right to choose the people that you want around you. If you want it bad enough nothing in this world can stop you, not even yourself.

-NK

My Persona Project

As I was sitting in the back seat of my friends car, the radio covering over the sounds of my two friends talking. I was thinking about how I was likely to not get a gift that I asked for from a friend. She had told me that she planned to leave the state, and I asked her to send me letters. I have never had a true pen pal, and I would have loved getting letters of her and her travels. She started dating an ex-boyfriend again, so it is unlikely that she would be allowed to send letters, postcards and poems even if she wanted to.

While I was trying to figure out how to put a platonic spin onto something that could be considered an intimate act, I thought up the idea of making a persona and sending the letters.
Example:

Dear Maryanne,
These winter months have been hard on me. Not last week I watched as my friend, Niel Tailor, die of a gunshot wound to the stomach, I had carried him from the front line and got him to the medic tent. They sent me back to the battle, but we were soon forced to retreat. I sat by his bedside, they were unable to remove the musket ball. While he struggled to breath I wrote a note to his wife and their unborn child, he confessed his love for them. When the note was to his liking, he looked me in the eye and told me that he was glad that he would be able to see his father again. I have never met a human that was so ready for death, not because he no longer wanted to live, he had just come to terms with the fact that he was not going to anymore.
When this war is over, with your will, I plan to ask your father for your hand. I can think of no women that I would rather hold when the sun goes down, I see no other hands holding mine, no other breast to feed our children, no other watchful eye to raise them.
Your dearest, Malcolm


It was at that moment that even portraying someone that had long past died, or never existed, would still be an intimate exchange. As that is why letters are written, some bound between to people have allowed them to take time out of their lives and write to someone they no longer see on a day to day basis. The world of cell phones and text messages has dampened this true exchange of the human character, another wondrous thing to fall to the more convenient counterpart.

I then decided that this was an idea that should not get shelved even though the intend purpose can not be carried out. So I call it the Persona Project, which seems to be the name of some stupid resume building computer software. So if it does reach a meritable* level the project will have to be named NK's Persona Project, assuming that those that made it meritable, both got the idea from me and want to give me merit for thinking about it, either way I plan to us it when my friends get together.

NK's Persona Project

-Decide a person that you want to write as and write notes back and forth with a friend that would enjoy doing the same.
-Write the note as close as you can to the person that you are trying to be. If you have chosen a person that actually lived, try and see if you can find notes written by that person and write your own notes about things that they** did not write on themselves.
-Enjoy
-Repeat steps one through three


-NK

*the spell checker is telling me that meritable is not a word, that is a tangent I could talk about all on its own.
**for political correctness, I am stretching the literary guidelines for he/she. I know my they (pl) refers to a singular person.

I might require a break for college break

3:45Pm Monday the 5th: I was standing outside at my work awaiting some friends. College Break has given us large amounts of free time, we are all trained into late nights and when free time is allot we have no idea what to do. I went with my friends to on of their friends houses, we hung out for six hours, then my friends came over. I introduced them to Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long blog ( http://www.hulu.com/watch/28343/dr-horribles-sing-along-blog ) Then one of my friends and I stated to work on the co-op campaign of Guitar Hero II. One friend left the other crashed.

8:20Am Tuesday the 6th: I woke up like I had to be somewhere and went into my lounge to check on my friend, he was up. I had forgotten that he only half sleeps, if I had remembered I would have stayed in my room reading. We went out to my favorite place to eat breakfast, he quickly agreed to the merit I had given the eatery. We went back through the songs that we had played the night before and got them all up to five stars, except for the last one, for some reason no matter what we did it was not good enough for the game. As lead I got 98% notes hit and he got 100% and the overall score was over 160,000.

12:10Am: I had invited myself over to my cousins house, as I was going to call my cousin to tell him I was coming I found that I had actually been invited, I had just told everyone I was going the second I heard something was going on (half joking). It was the College break spill out, Four Emcc, one UMA, one UMF and after hanging out I got picked up by my friend from UMO.

9:06Pm: I leaned forward from my position in the back seat. 'Ok, we have some options here. We have 19 minutes to make it to the 925 showing of the Punisher and pay $1, most likely missing the beginning. or we can drive to Orono to go to the 945 of Yes Man and pay $5. I prefer Yes Man, mainly because I don't like to miss the beginnings of the movies.' We went to Yes Man, which was a true Jim Carey role. I laughed, I cried, I almost threw up, and during one part a little piece of me died inside (if you have seen it, you know which part.)

Sometime after three this morning: my sleep addiction caught up with me, I had cut myself off early and had fought off the urge all day, but after 19 hours it finally got to me. (I stole that for a skit I saw with my brother one time when we watched Friday night stand-up together.)

My friend from UMO is still passed out on my couch, I have plans to meet up with the two guy I got picked up by on Monday and then I plan to go to my sister's and watch movies into the night and then turn around and wake up at 530 or 600 and read to my father. If I am lucky I will have sometime to myself tomorrow, but it is likely that I won't.

WOOT, college break

-NK

Overreacting, my favorite American Pasttime.

The youngest of five, where my closest sibling was six and a half years older then me, I developed the traits of both the youngest and the oldest child. For the most part I was left to explore and develop on my own. Many of my life lessons where gained watching 'The Drew Carry Show' at the ripe age of twelve. Most of the humor was lost on me then, but I would laugh the the audience sound track. Mimicking what I saw on the TV made it harder to talk to my peers.

I made a few good friends, other people similarly on the outskirts of popularity. It was easy to become cynical and judgmental to the popular kids, surely because I lived fine without it they were living their lives incorrectly. No real social balance got formed in my high school years, and my friends either stopped conversing on a day to day basis or moved away.

Because I was dealt a rough hand and I had to come to my own truths, I see them as the one true way to finding yourself. I know for a fact that each person is different and that they will have different ways to grow up to the different types of people they are meant to be, but if any of them ask me how to get from A to B, I am ready and willing to give an in depth answer.

Here are the steps to my impromptu therapy
1)I convince them that I have merit in the subject. This is as easy as telling them that I had a similar life experience or witnessed this before.
2) Discuss what I see about this behavior in them, (e.g. someone says they are worried all the time, I point out a few times that I saw they were worried.)
3) I explain that I am not a trained therapist and that I am just giving my opinion on the matter.
4) Tell them the solution that seems to be the easiest course to correcting the problem.
5) Let them think and ask questions.
6) Move on to something else.

Normally I do this for one of two reasons. The first reason is that I feel better about myself when I can help someone else, my stresses are less important. the second reason is less frequent but better on my overall out look, I help people so that I can discuss similar problems and get feedback on ways that I could go about helping myself.

Surprisingly enough, for the most part people have the same problems. It is the way that they express and go about reacting to the stress that sets them apart. The way that you interact in the environment that you are faced with can lead to healthy tendencies just as easy as it can lead to unhealthy tendencies.

As far as I see it the problems surrounding Anxiety are based on the lack of communication between people. If you get mad at someone from work because they are being bossy, and later that day they come back and say they are sorry because when they get anxious they get bossy. Would the tension that you had with that person elevate? If not why, are there no times when you do something based on being anxious that you wished you had not?

Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress, everyone suffers from anxiety. Some people have found ways to not let it effect their work, others have allowed it to immobilize them. When it comes to Anxiety, face it, not necessarily all at once, but make sure that you are fighting it. Set back happen, that is just your body trying to keep in its routine. When you got your first part time job, you had to learn new things to follow tasks to get the job done. The transition for one state of mind to the other is the same, you have to stop doing some actions and start doing others. If your first job was for a half hour before you went to school, you have to walk up early, and the first few mornings, if not all of them, it was hard to wake up earlier. Fighting Anxiety is the same, when you start to feel good about yourself, you have a heart wrenching panic-attack, your body wants you to go back and be depressed like normal, it is up to you to keep working on where you want to be.

There it is again, me going out and telling you how to change your world. It is what I know how to do I have been overreacting for years, and I am comfortable with it. I am slowly trying to balance my advice giving, with my personal growth. But overreacting is my Anxiety trait, I am nervous about making steps into my future so I take time out to help other people make it to their future. I am battling my anxiety and I plan to win.

-NK

To Further my Understanding on my Agitation

Women. Some of the things that they do just agitate me. Here is the list in no real order.

1) Date assholes.
2) Stay with and/or protect men that beat them.
3) Allow a past relationship to directly effect relationships before they start.
4) Look down on themselves.
5) Refusing to answer clarification questions that I have about their rejection of a date.

One of the largest things about this list is that I have yet to find one women that does not fit into one of the categories. The second thing is that I have found many women that fit into many or all of the categories.

Yesterday on my attempt to go to the movies I asked a girl that had expressed only a want to be friends because she did not want to date anyone for a long time. 'Well I am am sort of back with...' Anger pumped through my veins. The only thing that I know about this man is that he dumped her for reasons she either did not know or did not want to express to me. The reason that I am angry is because she either lied to me or was in fact hurt to the point where dating was not an option. I can not logically fathom why a human would instead of going on a date with a new person choose to go back into a relationship with someone that had left them.

Maybe I am have not had enough experience to understand what is going on in that situation but that is one of the reasons that I am so pissed that it happened. Because this man hurt her so much I could not further my understanding of dating, and am therefor still very lost when it comes to the understanding of this situation.

Here I will in detail express what a date means to me in hopes to make it a standard in the way people look at dating:

A date is the social exchange of two single individuals. The goal of the date is to better understand the individuality of each person, both to themselves and to the other person.

I want people to stop asking 'Does he/she like me?' and start asking 'Do I like me?' People like other people or they do not. So to look as it being a bad date because the person never called you back is a waste of time, they where not interested. Their non interest may mean that you need to review what happened and see if there was anything that you might have done that you would not normally do. If you find nothing that you would not do any day of the week move on. If you did something that you would not normally do, make sure you do not do it again when you move on.

Dating has nothing to do with how hard it is to connect with another person, it is a tool to understand more about yourself and the traits of a desired partner. And the success of a date is not merited on whether or not you made it to the bedroom. Why does allowing someone else talking you into having sex a desired trait? Personally if I can talk someone I just meant into having sex, it really does not matter how good the sex was, because I could never trust that women enough to merry her.

My hope for any reader male or female, is that they will look at the relationships they are in and discuss concerns with either their lovers or with a trusted third party. Or for a person that is single to clean up a bit throw on some nice clothes and ask someone out to a well light public area to discuss random topics over a meal or non-alcoholic beverage. If the date does not take a liking to you then you are not compatible, time to move on. You do not have to settle for someone, you do not have to change yourself for someone, you do not have to have meaningless sex with someone, you do not have to feel bad when they do not call, but you must go on a date and find things out about yourself that you can not find out in non-date situations.

-NK

Imperfections for Purification

This blog is my new year's resolution, I want people to be able to look at themselves all of the time; with any hope this blog will give some of its readers insight on how to go about changing things that they want to change.

I started reading Harriet Learner's 'The Dance of Fear.' I choose it while I was walking around looking for something to buy with the Christmas gift card that my Aunt gave me for tutoring her in math last semester. I had enjoyed 'The Dance of Anger,' A book that I plan to buy and reread. This morning I had the time to just read, do to the rare nature of this time when I am not on school break I grasped the opportunity and read the first four chapters of the book. Once again I am inspired by the insight that Harriet has put on the page before me. 'The Dance of Anger' was primarily written for women, which is why I think that it spoke so much to me, at the time I was a 20 year old male that was fighting years of depression. The book handed me the solution because I had to apply what I was reading to fit my circumstances.

Fundamentally I try to offer ways for people to change what they state as their problem in life. Normally they distance themselves instantly and overtime they are left with only following the advice that I had given them, to solve the problem they are faced with. My hope when giving someone advice on a subject is that they will look at their problems for a different angle. Mostly, they are not suffering from what is around them at that point.

My personal imperfection is that I will sacrifice the friendship that I have with the person to help them become a stronger well rounded person. A few years ago I sat down to talk with a councilor with the college I was attending, I discussed what was going on and answered questions that were asked of me. I was surprised to hear what came next 'You are altruistic, which is a rare quality. The reason that altruism is so rare is because the altruistic person does not help themselves.'

The truth then and now is that I am altruistic to feel alive, it is my fight against the side effects of depression. 'I do not care about myself, so I should care for others.' And there lies what is wrong with me, I will throw away my needs to grant others wants. It makes me an outstanding friend, but it also makes me a large target for malcontent people that will work me till I have no more to give.

Though I suffer from time to time with the delicate balance of helping others, I have found things about myself that I enjoy and want to express as much as possible. Such as my will to have others talk to people and to fight the hold of mundane things have on their psyche.

-NK

The 'How To' Guide of being a Human

Through the last few years I have been trying to balance myself and still get what I am going for. Last night while I was buzzing off a mix drink called a Dirty Vegas, I thought that I was just simply doomed to pour myself into other people and all would be reflected in them to others. This seems to be the pattern that has happened, I get a crush on a girl and I start to talk with her, my intentions become clear and she moves on.

I am a human being with needs, wants and desires; this world is a little off the tones of rational thought. If I ask a women on a date, she acts as though I just asked her to fuck; if I ask a women to fuck, we have sex. So here I am, understanding what is wrong with the cycle of meaningless sex does to a society and physically needing some stimulation. I think that it is morally and emotionally damaging to have meaningless sex; I never regret an action, because it would deny the fact that it happened, but I try not to fall into a cycle that only fulfills some of my needs.

When I am sober all I want is to go on a date with a women, I want to learn about them; I want to find out my likes and dislikes of the opposite sex. When I have had a little to drink, I just want to meet my physical needs. On either side I am not getting all that I want, to be quite honest when I am sober I get nothing that I want. But drunk or sober I do not want to have to live a day life and a night life, because no matter how I cut it the day me and the night me will have to meet in the morning.

I know exactly what I want of myself in the future, but I have no idea how to get there. Though I am almost certain that if I continue on the path that I am I will not be able to have the things that I want in the future. So, at the age of 21 I am looking at myself wondering if I should live a little like the rest of the world seems to do, or if I should let go of childish ways to walk through life and grow up and make every decision based on whether it will lead to my goals.

My back and forth struggle on dating and making life choices to grow up, are more reasons why I wish that people would start to talk about things again. This morning I read to my father again from Alan Alda's book 'Never Have Your Dog Stuffed' and I saw the same thing I see wrong now, the only difference is he was looking at the beginning of it and I am looking at the outcome of that some sixty years later. If I am lucky I am looking at the darkest before the dawn, on the breakdown of communication.

Some things lead me to believe that there is light coming down the stretch, last night with my sister and niece I watched the last eight episodes of 'The Secret Life of an American Teenager.' The show discussed everything that goes on for the average teenager in high school. Some of the duologue was droning and choppy, and it is most assuredly a 'chick' show, but it actually talked about issues that have gone undiscussed too many times.

So here is the how to guide for you

Step One: Learn and Absorb all that you can. This is a constant thing.
Step Two: Define your likes and dislikes, on everything. Be willing to change them at time goes on.
Step Three: Socialize, and if you find good people that help you somewhere and make you laugh and cry at the right time, hold them as friends
Step Four: Start out on your life's path. Again, continual; Again, always changing.
Step Five: Open your ears, your eyes, and your heart. The person that you are meant to be with will be standing right there with you.
Step Six: Pass on your pearls of wisdom.

If you can stay on this path, all is yours. But be forewarned, SHIT happens. People get injured, sick, die. Friends stay too long, leave for no reason, die in front of you. Mentors' and leaders' flaw supersede their perfect exterior. Work becomes painfully mundane. Lovers become strangers. Everything you held as truth becomes a lie.

The trick is wading through the bad and using it to make yourself stronger. The saying 'What does not kill you makes you stronger' is only true if you fight to make it true. If you break your leg and never go through the steps to rehabilitate it, you will not walk again, but if you break your leg and work with it everyday, one day you will walk again. The same goes with mentally and emotionally damaging events. You have to work towards understanding them and overcoming them.

Nothing is easy if you never try.

-NK

The Company You Keep.

In the course of an average day I have the chance to make a friend about forty times. All I have to do is be me and do my job. I am a part time deli sales clerk, a position that you can not be all-put-together to do. I cut meat and cheese and every time all I have to do is open my mouth and ask them something about who they are. The right something does play a big role in how far the conversation goes. If I were to ask them for their social security number the conversation would not last long. But if I take a few seconds to look at them. The expression on their face, the way they stand, the way they are breathing or looking at something. I can come up with a broad question and ask them in a tone that gives them free rein to tell me everything or nothing, I can find out one small bit about who they are and anything can be reached from there.

One day I was working and a man came to the counter, he looked as though he had better things to do then stand in a line. So, I did my best to get him through the line. I have a compulsion to find out if the slice is right and will go a little out of my way to find out. His girlfriend arrived as I was standing out of the department showing him the slice. We went back and she asked questions and chit chatted back and forth. they asked for something on the other side of the department and when it looked like they could not find it I went to help them. They got what they needed and left. Ten minutes later I started to take down the Hot Foods we have on the salad bar, the women over heard me say something and came over. 'This is going to sound weird, but I have a baby in me, and every time it hears you talk it kicks.' We talked for a bit and I said that I got out in twenty minutes. She came back and offered me a ride. While I was helping to get groceries in the truck they asked me what I want to do with my life, and I answered 'I want to be a Father. On that teaches the kids.' They gave me their number and told me to call when I had free time and we could set up me watching his boys.

Two weeks later I watched the kids four times, and running around the playground and discussing the world from the point of view of a kid again was the most refreshing things in a long time.

At any moment, if you keep your eyes open you have the chance to turn a stranger into a friend. I lived in Portland, Maine for a year. Maybe small to you, but it is ten to twelve more people then where I grew up and a third of the space to house them all. After I while I got to the point where I judged people on a system, when I first talk to them they are a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. everything from that point moves them up and down the line. If I have talked with them and they achieve the status of less then four on every encounter, then I move on. There were to many people to just sit there and try to talk a 3 into a 7. The system is not clear cut and subject to change on a daily basis, but when I found myself home again and in the company of old friends and realizing that at the end of our encounters they barely ranked a 5, I knew it was time to move on. Just like old tires on the lawn, it is not healthy to keep something longer then it is needed. When you sell the car that the tires go to, throw them in the back seat, or into a dumpster. When you decide to progress in your life, and your friends stay the way they were, it is time to move on.

I have I large bias about not discussing things when it is important to do so. If you are moving on and you have decided not to see the friends anymore. Tell them why, in a few years if you both find each other in a similar path again, the friendship can start on a fresh page. Though start them at a 5 again, just because they changed what you thought was wrong with them does not mean that they are a better person for it.

For the most part I find myself in the company of good people, and I enjoy their company and when it is no longer the best choice for me I have to move on. I do my best to let them know and then I do what I need to do for me.

The environment of someone else, no matter how great they are, may just be toxic to where you want to be in life. You have to make the tough choices, you have to live for yourself and your children. You fight for yourself to be strong willed and healthy, you fight for your children because there is no way they can do it for themselves.

The company you keep effects the environment around you. For better or for worse.

-NK

In the Sprit of Ever-Change

'Meeting every day with the rising sun
Looking up it's looking like
My losing streak is done'-Eels

Today, like everyday before and after it, is the best day to change yourself for the better. If you made a list, stick to it. If you have decided it is no use fighting, because nothing changes anyway, stop listening to the Goo Goo Dolls.

Rough and Raw facts:

1) Most days are not a walk in the park.
2) Some days are so bad you want to lie down and die.
3) In rare cases, nothing will change for you when you fight your whole life. But your children, your family, the people you work with, the society as a whole... will be better for your wear.

On the days that you can not bring yourself to work to make yourself better for you, make yourself better for others. This is a powerful tool if you use it right, though you should work for the most part for you.

On faith I want you to go out and do one thing that you want to do regular but never seem to have the time. (Go to the library and get a book to read with your child, go for a reasonable jog, say no to your afternoon treat.) When you are done the activity look inside and embrace that warmth of achievement. Stop looking at the bad parts of things, if your hip hurts, it only means you should have taken it a little slower or ran on different terrain. If your child does not want to sit down and read with you, take some breaths and ask them why.

If you can not say no to your blissful treat, then I have a story for you. I was born and raised Catholic, but when I was young lent was not moderated for me, so I never really made it through. Last year I decided that practicing lent was something that I wanted to do for myself, I gave up my daily whoopee pies and tea of any sort. Everyone was dumbfounded by my choice of what to give up but it was truly what I used to handle my stress for me. Day after day clicked by, and I used the day prior as a reason to keep working with it. I made it the 40 days and nights. On Easter I sat down at the table, there in front of me sat a Steve's Snacks Whoopee Pie and an Arizona Black Tea with Ginseng and Honey. I bit into the whooppie pie, and it tasted too sweet, I drank the tea and it tasted like chewing leaves with some sugar on them, and no feeling rushed to take away my pains. The forty days of not having it made me find other ways of dealing with it, and I will be honest I did fall for the wondrous taste of Adirondack Raspberry Ginger Ale. But I fought the urge to use it as my crouch, to carry me through till I could have my old fix again.

Tricks of the trade of Ever-Change.

1) It is going to be tough, so be ready. If you have to take small steps, a change in the direction you want to be is a good change.
2) The saying "I am my own worst enemy" strictly applies in this sense. You are the only one that has the power to stand in your way, you make your choices.
3) Never pass up the chance to give and receive help for people fighting for the same things.
4) Make sure the changes are for you, always look at what is going on around you. If the change is not making you a better person. If your change is stressing something that you do not want to change, you may need to reform how you go about it, or try to achieve a different but similar goal.
5) Take the Bad with the Good.

It is easy to find bad in good things, it is hard to find good in bad things, but it is there and will come in time. My story on the matter is this blog itself, years ago I gave up on myself. I found myself asking why them and not me. As the country faced the malicious attacks on our sense of liberty, I was fighting my own battles. In 2001 my three year old nephew died of cancer, my mother and eldest sister were treated for cancer, my father suffered his third heart attack and had open heart surgery, and my youngest older sister died of a blood clot that traveled from her leg to her lung. Mortality stuck down on me by surprise, and everyone around me was trying to keep their heads above the tides. The only thing left to do was to stop trying, it was easy and seemingly painless. Just last April I witnessed my father cry about every event that happened in his life and events that had not happened yet. I watched the man relive the pain of losing someone, and this was not the person I wanted to be in fifty years.

If all those events had never happened, I would not be me, I would not have helped the people I have and I would not be at a position to deal with life events to come. Nothing has become easier because I know what death is, but I know a little more about what my mind and body go through when that much change comes all at once.

Be it at three in the morning when you can not sleep because you worry about putting food on the table. Be it Nine in the morning and you crack a beer to make physical and mental pains wash away. Be it at the drive through window on your lunch break. Be it when you walk through the door and all you want to do is lie down and turn on the television. Be it after dinner. Be it as you brush your teeth. Be it anytime when you have all of three second to think of the world and how you fit in it. It is all the best moment to change, everything else is.

-NK